I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
