she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
