Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
