if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
cat food counts as protein by the way
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
