If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
