take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
