Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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