she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
