and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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