My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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