Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
