I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
