tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
