when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
