i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
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Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Come on in and take your pants off
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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