I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
