It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
