i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
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The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize