bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
