I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
