I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
