No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
