my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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