I think I won the penis lottery.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
