I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
