I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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