if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
