I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
