i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you had me at cake vodka
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
