I wish I only lived at night.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
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I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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