I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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