piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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