man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
