She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize