the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
