I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
