Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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