they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
