So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
