i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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