now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
