I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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