dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
