it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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