i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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