"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
