How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
