I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
