im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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