dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I did not marry a roomba.
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