Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
