Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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