Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
