how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
