i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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