enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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