My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
